No Saint

I’m no saint… no really. (No shit(!), I hear some of you mutter )  And it is true; I’m not.  I can be very nice. But sometimes I can be a jerk.  But this is the point I am trying to make:  It doesn’t take a saint to be a caregiver.  And actually, it probably helps if you are not so perfect.

Training can be good

I became an official caregiver about twenty years ago, through a program at my church called  the “Stephen Ministry”.  I was drawn to it because it offered a way to help people on a one-to-one basis.  I had tried other groups at church, but found my niche and purpose in this ministry.  I found I was especially drawn to, and suited for, the care  of  sick or dying people.  (Honestly, I really AM a fun person!)

It may seem strange to you that training  could be helpful with this endeavor.  You would think that this kind of care would come naturally.  But as I completed the training, I began to realize that there are things we do, and cliches we utter to people, that are exactly wrong.  And unless you have been in the same situation as that person, you may not realize this.

This training can also help when dealing with friends and family who are hurting.  But it can be harder to keep an objective perspective when caring for a loved one.

Going  solo?

Of course, you may be thrown into a care giving situation when someone close to you becomes sick or develops a crisis.  However, though you may become the main caregiver overnight, you should consider help in many cases.

In the case of a short-term illness, yes, you may be able to handle this on your own.  But if you are faced with long-term illness or worse, terminal illness, you should try to get some help.  This could be in the form of someone sitting with your loved one while you get out of the house for awhile.  Or someone offering to bring food or run errands for you.

Options

There are several options for the “drafted” care-giver.  If you are a member of a church, sometimes you can find help there.  Ladies’ circles, Stephen ministry and members in general, are good sources of help.  Hospice can be a good source of support and I have met many people who have really appreciated their services.  Of course, some of the best help you can get is from willing friends.  But, remember this: It is wonderful when they see a need and offer to help, but don’t hesitate to ask for it – specifically.   Many people feel helpless when it comes to knowing how to help.  Tell them what you need.  You may be surprised how pleased your friends would be to have the opportunity to help out.  (They are your friends, after all.)

Some Simple Guidelines

Mostly your familiarity with the hurting person, along with good common sense should govern your care-giving actions.  However, there are some solid rules that should apply for strangers, as well as for those close to you.

1. Do not show judgment….about past actions that may have led to the crisis or about feelings that a person may experience. (eg. a person may be responsible for the situation that they are in (like smoking all their life).  They know this already – they don’t need you to remind them of this.  Or they may be angry at God.  This is very common.  Sometimes people need to express this anger to get past it.  Your job is to LISTEN, not to judge.  (And I do believe that God can take it and expects us to be honest in our communication/prayer with Him)
2. Show discretion and do not inquire about how someone developed a disease, or what may have led to a divorce.  If they want you to know, they will tell you.
3. Don’t try to “outdo” the hurting person’s suffering by recounting similar events in your life.  Remember, you are there to help them.  You are not there to diminish their feelings or suffering.
4. Most importantly, if someone asks you to keep a confidence…do so.  If someone trusts you enough to share their feelings with you, do not disappoint them.

From the Other Side

Being a care-giver can be hard at times.  But mostly, I have found it to be rewarding.  Usually I find that I receive much more than I give.  And all the people whom I have helped have been very grateful…I know this because they have told me so.  But I also know this because I have been on the receiving end.

As I mentioned in my first post, I was a two time liver recipient back in 2005.   At that time, my husband took excellent care of me.  Though I can never repay him for that kindness, hopefully, I can try to pass it on.

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I usually try to end my blog with a recipe, so here is one that is simple and delicious.

Cooked Apples

• Water with a few squirts of lemon
• 5 – 6  Golden Delicious apples
• 2 – 3 teaspoons butter
• sugar, to taste

1. Pour a good amount of water into a large frying pan.
2. Squirt some lemon juice into it. (keeps apples from turning brown and adds a nice tang)
3. Pare, core and then slice apples into the water/lemon mixture.
4. When finished, pour off most of the water, leaving just a slight amount to “fry” apples.
5. Cook apples over medium heat, until they begin to get a translucent look and become tender. (most of remaining water should have steamed off by now)
6. Add butter and mix well to coat apples.
7. While mixing, add sugar to the desired sweetness.
8. Turn off heat and serve.  Enjoy!!

I’m back…

Well not really.  I am still in Florida.  But I decided I needed to come here and let those few fans know that I am still alive.  Actually I am in paradise…to me anyway.

Heat and Hurricanes

Some people would say that I am nuts (’you are correct, sir!” as Ed McMahon would say).  Because visiting Florida (my beloved birth state) in August is NOT the norm for most folks.  This is the month of intense heat AND the beginning of the dreaded hurricane season.  So as I was traveling south on the near deserted highways,  the northbound highways were packed.  And I guess that was the point in this warped native’s mind.

On the way, I stopped in Goosecreek, SC to see a dear friend/sister.  And then in Jesup, GA to see my step-daughter and grandchildren, where I enjoyed a manicure and pedicure with the girls.  It is always a pleasure to see these folks.

The Draw of the Sisters

Besides my true love of Florida,  I also migrate south each year to see family.  I have a beloved aunt , cousin and sisters here.  So I make my way to Jacksonville (cousin and aunt) then finally, across the state to the west coast to St. Petersburg…one of my favorite places on earth….the home of my sister and her partner of 26 years…who is now officially my sister in my heart and mind.

Magic Place

The home of my sisters is a magic place.  Their home is a showcase, really.  But while their house is a decorator’s dream, it is at the same time, warm, sunny and INVITING….just like it’s owners.  There are open spaces and also nooks to hide in with a good book.  The back yard is a haven of jungle type plants, fish pond, with a little waterfall, and a bricked patio in the middle, where you can enjoy the privacy, and the orchestra of sounds.  I find I feel very close to God in this setting.

Three very different cats have the run of the house and the back yard (via kitty doors).  Often they will follow you out to this patio, just to be sociable.  And there is comfort in their quiet company, also.

The Sisters

But the ladies themselves are the magnet that draws me here.  I am ALWAYS treated like royalty when I come here.  Good food, movies and gifts are showered upon me.  I am treated to new and unique restaurants that they discover and share with me.

They take me to see new sites, sunsets and manatees!!   I am also reunited with a group of their friends that over the years I have grown to love and consider as my friends too.  They all treat me as part of their larger family.  This is especially lovely for a person whose biological family has dwindled to a grand total of 4!!  (You folks with a large remaining family, please don’t take them for granted.)

Anyhow, I am lucky/blessed with good friends and Great sisters!  I guess you can see why I love it here.

Returning Home

Of course, I cannot stay here forever.  And I will be happy to return home to North Carolina (I’ve been there most of my life and I do love it too!)  But this has been a nice respite and I will miss all the folks that I have visited until next time.

So I will join the thousands of  “normal” people on that northbound highway in a few days.  (Send up a prayer for safe passage, please.)

The Recipe

Until then, let me leave you with a new recipe to try out.  I’ve been assured that this is good “comfort” food.  This is a mingling of two recipes from two different friends…so here goes:

Potato Tot Casserole

• 1 pound tater tots, cooked according to directions on bag
• 1 pound chicken tenders, cooked and shredded (optional)
• 1 small onion, sauteed in butter
• 8 ounces sour cream
• 1 can of cream of chicken soup (cream of potato or mushroom can be substituted)
• 1 bag of shredded cheddar cheese
• 1/2 cup milk

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Mix sour cream, soup and milk together in big bowl.
3. Add 1/2 of cheese and mix well.
4. Add onion and butter mixture and again,  mix well.
5. Fold in tater tots and chicken.
6. Spread mixture into a greased casserole dish.
7. Cover and cook for 30  minutes @ 350 degrees.
8. Uncover and spread remaining cheese on top of casserole and cook  uncovered, for 10 – 15 minutes or until cheese on top is melted and bubbly.
9. Serve and enjoy.