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I’m no saint… no really. (No shit(!), I hear some of you mutter )  And it is true; I’m not.  I can be very nice. But sometimes I can be a jerk.  But this is the point I am trying to make:  It doesn’t take a saint to be a caregiver.  And actually, it probably helps if you are not so perfect.

Training can be good

I became an official caregiver about twenty years ago, through a program at my church called  the “Stephen Ministry”.  I was drawn to it because it offered a way to help people on a one-to-one basis.  I had tried other groups at church, but found my niche and purpose in this ministry.  I found I was especially drawn to, and suited for, the care  of  sick or dying people.  (Honestly, I really AM a fun person!)

It may seem strange to you that training  could be helpful with this endeavor.  You would think that this kind of care would come naturally.  But as I completed the training, I began to realize that there are things we do, and cliches we utter to people, that are exactly wrong.  And unless you have been in the same situation as that person, you may not realize this.

This training can also help when dealing with friends and family who are hurting.  But it can be harder to keep an objective perspective when caring for a loved one.

Going  solo?

Of course, you may be thrown into a care giving situation when someone close to you becomes sick or develops a crisis.  However, though you may become the main caregiver overnight, you should consider help in many cases.

In the case of a short-term illness, yes, you may be able to handle this on your own.  But if you are faced with long-term illness or worse, terminal illness, you should try to get some help.  This could be in the form of someone sitting with your loved one while you get out of the house for awhile.  Or someone offering to bring food or run errands for you.

Options

There are several options for the “drafted” care-giver.  If you are a member of a church, sometimes you can find help there.  Ladies’ circles, Stephen ministry and members in general, are good sources of help.  Hospice can be a good source of support and I have met many people who have really appreciated their services.  Of course, some of the best help you can get is from willing friends.  But, remember this: It is wonderful when they see a need and offer to help, but don’t hesitate to ask for it – specifically.   Many people feel helpless when it comes to knowing how to help.  Tell them what you need.  You may be surprised how pleased your friends would be to have the opportunity to help out.  (They are your friends, after all.)

Some Simple Guidelines

Mostly your familiarity with the hurting person, along with good common sense should govern your care-giving actions.  However, there are some solid rules that should apply for strangers, as well as for those close to you.

1. Do not show judgment….about past actions that may have led to the crisis or about feelings that a person may experience. (eg. a person may be responsible for the situation that they are in (like smoking all their life).  They know this already – they don’t need you to remind them of this.  Or they may be angry at God.  This is very common.  Sometimes people need to express this anger to get past it.  Your job is to LISTEN, not to judge.  (And I do believe that God can take it and expects us to be honest in our communication/prayer with Him)
2. Show discretion and do not inquire about how someone developed a disease, or what may have led to a divorce.  If they want you to know, they will tell you.
3. Don’t try to “outdo” the hurting person’s suffering by recounting similar events in your life.  Remember, you are there to help them.  You are not there to diminish their feelings or suffering.
4. Most importantly, if someone asks you to keep a confidence…do so.  If someone trusts you enough to share their feelings with you, do not disappoint them.

From the Other Side

Being a care-giver can be hard at times.  But mostly, I have found it to be rewarding.  Usually I find that I receive much more than I give.  And all the people whom I have helped have been very grateful…I know this because they have told me so.  But I also know this because I have been on the receiving end.

As I mentioned in my first post, I was a two time liver recipient back in 2005.   At that time, my husband took excellent care of me.  Though I can never repay him for that kindness, hopefully, I can try to pass it on.

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I usually try to end my blog with a recipe, so here is one that is simple and delicious.

Cooked Apples

• Water with a few squirts of lemon
• 5 – 6  Golden Delicious apples
• 2 – 3 teaspoons butter
• sugar, to taste

1. Pour a good amount of water into a large frying pan.
2. Squirt some lemon juice into it. (keeps apples from turning brown and adds a nice tang)
3. Pare, core and then slice apples into the water/lemon mixture.
4. When finished, pour off most of the water, leaving just a slight amount to “fry” apples.
5. Cook apples over medium heat, until they begin to get a translucent look and become tender. (most of remaining water should have steamed off by now)
6. Add butter and mix well to coat apples.
7. While mixing, add sugar to the desired sweetness.
8. Turn off heat and serve.  Enjoy!!

Well not really.  I am still in Florida.  But I decided I needed to come here and let those few fans know that I am still alive.  Actually I am in paradise…to me anyway.

Heat and Hurricanes

Some people would say that I am nuts (‘you are correct, sir!” as Ed McMahon would say).  Because visiting Florida (my beloved birth state) in August is NOT the norm for most folks.  This is the month of intense heat AND the beginning of the dreaded hurricane season.  So as I was traveling south on the near deserted highways,  the northbound highways were packed.  And I guess that was the point in this warped native’s mind.

On the way, I stopped in Goosecreek, SC to see a dear friend/sister.  And then in Jesup, GA to see my step-daughter and grandchildren, where I enjoyed a manicure and pedicure with the girls.  It is always a pleasure to see these folks.

The Draw of the Sisters

Besides my true love of Florida,  I also migrate south each year to see family.  I have a beloved aunt , cousin and sisters here.  So I make my way to Jacksonville (cousin and aunt) then finally, across the state to the west coast to St. Petersburg…one of my favorite places on earth….the home of my sister and her partner of 26 years…who is now officially my sister in my heart and mind.

Magic Place

The home of my sisters is a magic place.  Their home is a showcase, really.  But while their house is a decorator’s dream, it is at the same time, warm, sunny and INVITING….just like it’s owners.  There are open spaces and also nooks to hide in with a good book.  The back yard is a haven of jungle type plants, fish pond, with a little waterfall, and a bricked patio in the middle, where you can enjoy the privacy, and the orchestra of sounds.  I find I feel very close to God in this setting.

Three very different cats have the run of the house and the back yard (via kitty doors).  Often they will follow you out to this patio, just to be sociable.  And there is comfort in their quiet company, also.

The Sisters

But the ladies themselves are the magnet that draws me here.  I am ALWAYS treated like royalty when I come here.  Good food, movies and gifts are showered upon me.  I am treated to new and unique restaurants that they discover and share with me.

They take me to see new sites, sunsets and manatees!!   I am also reunited with a group of their friends that over the years I have grown to love and consider as my friends too.  They all treat me as part of their larger family.  This is especially lovely for a person whose biological family has dwindled to a grand total of 4!!  (You folks with a large remaining family, please don’t take them for granted.)

Anyhow, I am lucky/blessed with good friends and Great sisters!  I guess you can see why I love it here.

Returning Home

Of course, I cannot stay here forever.  And I will be happy to return home to North Carolina (I’ve been there most of my life and I do love it too!)  But this has been a nice respite and I will miss all the folks that I have visited until next time.

So I will join the thousands of  “normal” people on that northbound highway in a few days.  (Send up a prayer for safe passage, please.)

The Recipe

Until then, let me leave you with a new recipe to try out.  I’ve been assured that this is good “comfort” food.  This is a mingling of two recipes from two different friends…so here goes:

Potato Tot Casserole

• 1 pound tater tots, cooked according to directions on bag
• 1 pound chicken tenders, cooked and shredded (optional)
• 1 small onion, sauteed in butter
• 8 ounces sour cream
• 1 can of cream of chicken soup (cream of potato or mushroom can be substituted)
• 1 bag of shredded cheddar cheese
• 1/2 cup milk

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Mix sour cream, soup and milk together in big bowl.
3. Add 1/2 of cheese and mix well.
4. Add onion and butter mixture and again,  mix well.
5. Fold in tater tots and chicken.
6. Spread mixture into a greased casserole dish.
7. Cover and cook for 30  minutes @ 350 degrees.
8. Uncover and spread remaining cheese on top of casserole and cook  uncovered, for 10 – 15 minutes or until cheese on top is melted and bubbly.
9. Serve and enjoy.

I’m thinking about quitting   .   .   .   .

Sorry, lighting a cigarette.   But seriously, I am.  I’ve had this thought about a thousand times before.  Probably more like TEN- thousand, since I am an old fart.

THE LOSS OF INNOCENCE

I started at the ripe age of seventeen, in my first year of college at UNC-Charlotte.   This was actually pretty late, I discovered,  considering the fact that  both my parents smoked AND I had lived the greater part of my life in Winston-Salem, NC. – home of Reynolds Tobacco Co.   Most of my smoking classmates had started much earlier, like 10 or 11.   Again, this was North Carolina.

It was a boy-man who offered me my first one (among other firsts, we won’t get into).  It was heaven, all of it – hmm  .  .  .  .   Oh, ok,  I’m back.   But you see, I WAS a late-blooming, over- protected, Catholic girl, eager for adulthood and excitement.  And somehow, in my mind, this seemed to go along with smoking.

I won’t lie and say that smoking was the most harmful vice that I picked up in those early years, but it has been the most enduring..  With a lot of time, and more likely, the grace of God, I was able to shed some of the more harmful tendencies (a taste for over- drinking, , and a variety of other drugs, to name a few).   I did not escape unscathed, but I am alive today.  But I regress.

FALLING IN AND OUT OF SMOKE

I did quit a couple of times; once for  two years and once for TEN (!) years.  What an idiot, you say.  And, yes, you’re exactly right.   I was; I am.  In a moment of weakness and stress, I bummed one from a friend and then, another.  But in my defense, I felt it was my responsibility -to be fair and all- to see if that first one was actually that foul or if it was my imagination.   The second one was, of course, much better and it was on again.  So goes the reasoning of the true addict.  Oh shut up!! I KNOW every one of you true smoking fiends out there has done something similarly embarrassing.  I haven’t started digging old butts out of the ashtray yet.  (You folks know who you are).

PROS . . .

Anyhoo, the thought of quitting has crossed my mind, again.  On one hand, I have many reasons to do so.  It bugs non-smokers (ok, but some of them are REALLY good friends).  There’s the variety of medical reasons, high-lighted by my weakened immune system (caused by anti-rejection drugs that are protecting my borrowed liver).  Also,  I  have a vague desire to continue living, since I went through HELL to remain alive to get said liver, not forgetting family and friends who shared this hell with me.  So, medical reasons… and friends and family would be immensely pleased.  Those are the big reasons.  My finances would also be greatly improved.  I estimate that my smoking bill runs between $125 to $250 per month, depending on consumption and price.  Boy, who couldn’t use that??  And, quite honestly,  while I don’t mind the idea of being dead, I dread the PROCESS of dying.

AND CONS

But wishing don’t make it so  And there are a mess of reasons why I don’t want to quit.  I like it.  I do.  I enjoy the the taste of it, the feel of it and the motions of it.  It gives me comfort.  It is a crutch, I know, but it is also a social thing.  It gives you something to do when you have nothing to say.  In uncomfortable situations,  you can buy time to think while you light up.  Of course, there is also the connection you get with fellow harassed smokers. ( You know what I mean- soon they will be shooting us in public!).  And it helps (me at least,) to refrain from eating mass quantities

AND . . .  AGAIN

So I’m thinking about it.   My resolve seems to weaken as my pack gets lighter.  But I’m thinking about it.  Need some self discipline  and good motivation.  Need some gum and Dum-dums. Need some good advice from those who have had success (hint).  Need to run.  Need a prayer.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

I want to wish everyone a happy 4th of July.  I hope you will have a fun-filled weekend with family, friends, fireworks and plenty of good eats   While you are celebrating, I hope you will remember the courage, sacrifice and yes, the rebellious spirit, of all the men and women that have fought to keep our freedom (using weapons AND voices).

Also, please do give a thought to all those folks in Iran, who  just like us, want the right to choose their leaders and enjoy some of the same freedoms that we have… and often take for granted.   A lot of young people over there have been beaten and killed by order of a corrupt “religious” leader.  These people can use  our prayers.

The Banana Bread

As in my previous blog, I would like to share another of my tried and true recipes: Banana Bread.  This is a thirty-five year old favorite of my sister and me both.  It came from a friend of our mom’s in Winston-Salem, named Gertie O’Doud. .  I’ve been told by my friends that they think it is pretty tasty too.  So here’s the deal…

Banana Bread

• 1/2 cup Crisco shortening
• 1 cup sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• 2 eggs, well beaten
• 4 large bananas, mashed
• 2 cups of flour
• 1/2 cup nuts (pecans or walnuts) (optional)

1. Cream shortening, sugar, soda, salt and vanilla.
2. Slowly mix in eggs.
3. Then add bananas and continue mixing slowly until big lumps are gone.
4. Using a spatula, gradually fold in the flour and stir until mixed.
5. Pour into a greased loaf pan.
6. Bake at 300 degrees for thirty minutes.
7. Test for done-ness.
8. Continue baking, checking @ 5 – 10 minute intervals, until done.
9. Cool in pan for 10 minutes.
10. Remove from pan.
11. Cool completely before wrapping.

(This bread is good at room temperature and while still warm , but even better after being refrigerated, I think)

Most of  my friends have it.  It comes in the form of illness, job loss and relationship problems.  And it seems that there are as many ways that folks try to cope with it.  Some  people  exercise or box:  some perform yoga and  some people meditate and pray.  All these are excellent ideas, depending on who you are.

Baking for Relief

I’ve had some success with cooking and baking.   I find that the there is a calm that comes over you as you measure each ingredient and follow each step.  I especially enjoy creating the “simple”  (a friend’s description) pound  cake.

Slug’s  Pace

There is something to be learned from the humble slug (whom I resemble in the early morning) when dealing with some of life’s stress and also when making a really good pound cake.  But like the gentle slug, you must commit to the process, and not be in a hurry to reach your goal.

First you have to wait.  Butter, eggs and milk must first warm to room temperature.  Eggs should be added one at a time, while mixing.  You need to sift flour, salt and powder, and in most cases, sift again.  Then flour and warmed milk are added in alternating increments, with constant mixing.

Even though I’ve made many of these cakes and have memorized the recipe, I still find myself being forced to slow down and concentrate on what I am doing.  The process, as I said before, can create a calm within one’s self.  Finally, you must wait again, as you allow your cake to cook SLOWLY at a LOW temperature, for up to an hour and thirty minutes, depending on your oven type.  ( I suggest either a good book or good sex during this interval, depending on your situation.)

Enjoying The Results of One’s Efforts

If you have followed the process with purpose and patience, you will be rewarded with a cake that is moist, rich and buttery… hardly “simple”.   You will also have the satisfaction of at least one thing being completed successfully…a big plus on a bad day  As promised in my first blog, I will share my favorite recipes.  The one for pound cake is below.  And I would love to receive any favorites you might like to share.

Different Strokes

Of course, this slow process might not appeal to all types.  Some of you angrier folks might be better off taking a maillot to their pork, poultry or beef.   (yeah, you jokesters:  beat your meat…yuk, yuk)   But for any of you more quietly stressing one’s, give the pound cake a whirl.

Trish’s Favorite Pound Cake

Ingredients that need to be brought to room temperature:

• 2 sticks of Butter
• 1/2 cup of  Crisco
• 6 Eggs
• 1cup of Whole Milk

Other Ingredients:

• 3 cups of Sugar
• 3 cups of Flour
• 1/2 teaspoon of Baking Powder
• 1/2 teaspoon of Salt
• 3 teaspoons of Vanilla

Directions:

1. Cream together butter, Crisco and sugar and vanilla, while mixing.   Slowly add eggs, one at a time, while mixing.   Set aside.
2. Take flour, salt and baking powder and sift together, twice.  Set aside.
3. Begin mixing the batter and slowly add 1/2 of the flour mixture to batter.  Continue mixing and slowly add the milk to batter.
4. Then slowly add the remaining flour mixture to the batter, while mixing.  Continue mixing until batter has a “whipped” appearance.
5. Pour batter into a greased and floured angel food cake pan (this cake rises tall).
6. Bake on lower middle rack @ 325(gas)/275(electric) for 1 hour and 15 minutes.  Check cake for done-ness.  If not ready, continue cooking , checking cake at 5 minute intervals.
7. Allow cake to cool in pan for 10 minutes, before removing cake.  Let cake cool completely before puting in cake container or wrapping it up..  ENJOY!

INTRO

Hi my name is Trish and this is my first blog.  I am a middle-aged, transplant (liver) recipient, step-mom, grandmother, out-of-work, newly-single, part-time care-giver, change-resistant, but … grateful woman.  Whew!

Yeah, I really do hate change.  But as you know, sometimes LIFE has different plans for us.  I call this the cattle-prod effect.  And my butt is starting to smart!

5 YEARS AGO

That’s when the changes began rolling in.  My liver started going south.   I was put on the transplant list, received a new liver, promptly rejected it, nearly died, then received liver number two.  I would love to tell you folks that are facing this procedure, that everything was a snap from this point on… But that would be a big old fat lie.  However, after a year and a half of LOVING care from my then husband, several weeks of sister-care, great doctoring and prayers and support from many good friends, I came out wounded, but ALIVE.  I will be eternally grateful to all these folks.  If not for them, I would be dead.

THE NEW STEPS

So I had to relearn how to walk, to eat without puking, and to poo.  My first fart was cause for celebration!  A month and a half in the hospital and your body forgets how to do these things.  Since then I’ve made some good progress, but I am not superwoman anymore, dammit!  No longer can I be the work-a-holic.  (I loved my job.)  In fact, I cannot hold a normal paying job.  No longer can I run a couple of miles.  You get the idea.  But I can try to learn some new things like guitar.  I can try to improve my cooking.  I can try to be a better care-giver.  And I  (THE ULTIMATE COMPUTER-PHOBIC) can try to share my ideas, recipies and opinions in a new form (this blog).  So  this is what I am up to.  If anyone is reading this and would like to comment, offer advice or gentle criticism, I would love to hear from you.   You can watch me learn some new dances… naked…in public.

Hello World!

This is the online home of Trish Larimer Turman.

She got Jon to setup her WordPress blog for free. Looks pretty cool, huh?

It looks that way because Trish has class.

She knows what looks good and she knows what works for her. Which is why she got Jon to set it up. Not because it was free – but because she knew he looks good and would work for her. When Jon does it, it’s done right. Click the link up there and claim your own.

Right now it’s the middle of June, 2009 – Trish needs to get busy here and create hundreds of pages of stuff folks like you will just love to soak up.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls – it’s the starting bell anyway!

Get Busy Trish!