I’m thinking about quitting   .   .   .   .

Sorry, lighting a cigarette.   But seriously, I am.  I’ve had this thought about a thousand times before.  Probably more like TEN- thousand, since I am an old fart.

THE LOSS OF INNOCENCE

I started at the ripe age of seventeen, in my first year of college at UNC-Charlotte.   This was actually pretty late, I discovered,  considering the fact that  both my parents smoked AND I had lived the greater part of my life in Winston-Salem, NC. – home of Reynolds Tobacco Co.   Most of my smoking classmates had started much earlier, like 10 or 11.   Again, this was North Carolina.

It was a boy-man who offered me my first one (among other firsts, we won’t get into).  It was heaven, all of it – hmm  .  .  .  .   Oh, ok,  I’m back.   But you see, I WAS a late-blooming, over- protected, Catholic girl, eager for adulthood and excitement.  And somehow, in my mind, this seemed to go along with smoking.

I won’t lie and say that smoking was the most harmful vice that I picked up in those early years, but it has been the most enduring..  With a lot of time, and more likely, the grace of God, I was able to shed some of the more harmful tendencies (a taste for over- drinking, , and a variety of other drugs, to name a few).   I did not escape unscathed, but I am alive today.  But I regress.

FALLING IN AND OUT OF SMOKE

I did quit a couple of times; once for  two years and once for TEN (!) years.  What an idiot, you say.  And, yes, you’re exactly right.   I was; I am.  In a moment of weakness and stress, I bummed one from a friend and then, another.  But in my defense, I felt it was my responsibility -to be fair and all- to see if that first one was actually that foul or if it was my imagination.   The second one was, of course, much better and it was on again.  So goes the reasoning of the true addict.  Oh shut up!! I KNOW every one of you true smoking fiends out there has done something similarly embarrassing.  I haven’t started digging old butts out of the ashtray yet.  (You folks know who you are).

PROS . . .

Anyhoo, the thought of quitting has crossed my mind, again.  On one hand, I have many reasons to do so.  It bugs non-smokers (ok, but some of them are REALLY good friends).  There’s the variety of medical reasons, high-lighted by my weakened immune system (caused by anti-rejection drugs that are protecting my borrowed liver).  Also,  I  have a vague desire to continue living, since I went through HELL to remain alive to get said liver, not forgetting family and friends who shared this hell with me.  So, medical reasons… and friends and family would be immensely pleased.  Those are the big reasons.  My finances would also be greatly improved.  I estimate that my smoking bill runs between $125 to $250 per month, depending on consumption and price.  Boy, who couldn’t use that??  And, quite honestly,  while I don’t mind the idea of being dead, I dread the PROCESS of dying.

AND CONS

But wishing don’t make it so  And there are a mess of reasons why I don’t want to quit.  I like it.  I do.  I enjoy the the taste of it, the feel of it and the motions of it.  It gives me comfort.  It is a crutch, I know, but it is also a social thing.  It gives you something to do when you have nothing to say.  In uncomfortable situations,  you can buy time to think while you light up.  Of course, there is also the connection you get with fellow harassed smokers. ( You know what I mean- soon they will be shooting us in public!).  And it helps (me at least,) to refrain from eating mass quantities

AND . . .  AGAIN

So I’m thinking about it.   My resolve seems to weaken as my pack gets lighter.  But I’m thinking about it.  Need some self discipline  and good motivation.  Need some gum and Dum-dums. Need some good advice from those who have had success (hint).  Need to run.  Need a prayer.

I’ll let you know how it goes.